THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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