i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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