I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
