Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
