this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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