I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
