Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
