Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
just found out that she named her cat after me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize