he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
