I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
