Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
