Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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