i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
