dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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