You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
sarcasm needs its own font
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
