We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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