I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
