I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
