he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
