How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
