Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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