yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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