so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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