Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i love accidental penises.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
