Your mouth is God's brothel.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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