I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
