hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
