I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize