I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize