So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
