You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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