So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
