I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
