MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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