oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
