Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
