Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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