So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
