You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize