my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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