dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
