Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It's just like the Real World with babies
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
