i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
