I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
