y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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