Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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