Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This is the high leading the old right now
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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