My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize