i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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