woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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