I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
