if you like me you must not know who I am
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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