Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
