I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
