i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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