Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
