Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
whose parrot is this?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
