I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
