please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
