New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize