I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
