At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
