If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
