My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I just sharted jello shots
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
